New Year, new beginnings

Let me start this by saying that I've never been that eternal optimist that finds the silver lining in everything.  I've grumbled and moaned as much as anybody.  Sure, I am a true believer in the power of positive thinking but I'm also a guy that can feel sorry for myself if I don't watch it.  I think that those that are eternal optimists are really people that are just self aware of those creeping doubts and they have a great coping mechanism for keeping those feelings at bay.  At the closing of every year we all hope for great things for the new year, as we should, but it can come off as sour grapes for the year past.  This is especially true when the out-going year was full of disappointments or just utter disaster.  2008 brought economic turmoil, international conflict, political struggle, and for some personal battles.  It is easy to say, "God please make 2008 go away and bring me a new year with a new beginning".  Let's instead take inventory of our blessings from 2008.  I'll go first...

Thank God that Jennifer had the Stage I Lymphoma when at one point they thought it was Sarcoma.  We went from a surgery that was going to remove a portion of her thigh, at least a year's worth of physical therapy to get the leg functional, and still a scary prognosis to 3 chemo treatments, 20 radiation treatments, and then CURED!  That my friend is a blessing.  I have two beautiful, healthy, trouble making boys and at one time Jennifer and I didn't think that we would ever be able to have kids.  I remember one day a few years ago when we were just starting off in our marriage.  I was one of the baseball coaches in Hobbs, NM.  The local little league was hosting the state tournament so the other baseball coaches and I went up to some games to make an appearance.  There was a former player at the college that I played at who was a few years older than me but had stayed in town and was now raising his family there.  His youngest son was there at the game and he couldn't have been any older than 6 and he was a mess, but in that great little boy way.  I remember watching him eat a handful of dirt and I thought, that's what I want a little dirt eating boy.  Well, I have two of them now.  Oh, and Dana that little boy was yours by the way and I'm sure you're not a bit surprised.

I have so many more blessing in my life but it's time for our Mario Cart tournament to begin.  That's where my life is now.  I'm having Mario Cart tournaments on New Year's Eve with Jennifer and the boys and I wouldn't want it any other way.  May God continue to bless each of you in 2009.

Radiation Begins... Sort of

I had my first appointment with the radiation oncologist today to begin "marking" me for radiation. I had no idea what to expect, and they did kind of surprise me. I left the appointment with three new tattoos... a new experience at a doctor's appointment.

The process today was to measure, mark & scan the area where my tumor was so they can focus the radiation on a very specific place every time it is administered. As soon as they called us back to the exam room, they told me that I'd be having a ct scan today (didn't know that). They will use this scan as well as my PET scan from October to determine the radiation area. They spent about 15 minutes positioning me for the CT and even created a mold under my legs that I will lay on for every appointment after this. It's that important that I am in exactly the same position every time. The tattoos on my hips line up with marks on the mold... not real sure why they had to put a tattoo on my abdomen. We'll have to see what they do with that one! I'll go back on Jan. 7 for final markings and then I should have my first actual treatment shortly after that.

On another note, I also noticed today that all of the bald people at the cancer center kind of give each other little smiles as we pass by. It's like being part of a club of sorts, I guess. I'm tempted to stop people and ask what kind of cancer they have, what they are doing, HOW they are doing, and I get the feeling they are wanting to do the same... but we kind of just smile & keep going. It's a different world in there.

Merry Christmas!

We hope that everyone who reads this is having a very Merry Christmas and enjoying time with friends and family.  This year I am really sitting back to take in all of the family time that I'm getting to enjoy.  I feel pretty good and I'm so thankful for that.  Maybe I haven't gotten to eat ALL of the holiday treats that catch my eye, but I'm looking at that as a good thing... maybe a little forced self-control.

I have my first radiation appointment on Monday.  From what I understand, they will spend some time creating their specific plan for radiating the area around my tumor.   After we finish there, we are going to the offices of 99.5 The Wolf to pick up our Christmas Wish gift cards. Thank you Mrs. Hostin for nominating us!  I can't wait to take the boys out for some fun shopping...  it will be a great way to celebrate the beginning of radiation and the end of this cancer!  :)

We also received word today that many of Michael's childhood friends (from years growing up in Artesia, NM) have gotten together and collected money for us.  These are people that he has not seen in so many years, yet they heard of this diagnosis that we were given and stepped into action to help.  We are inspired by the kindness of our friends.  Yet again, please know how thankful we are for each and every one of you!

I must get to bed.  Santa has lots of work to do after I go to sleep!  ;)  

Merry Christmas and Good Night.

The Season of Giving

Just a quick story.  An old high school friend stopped by last night to meet the family.  He is moving back to the states from a brief stint in Australia and looks to be coming to our area.  Anyway, he has been great at keeping in touch.  Through this entire ordeal I could count on him giving me a call at least once a week to check in.  Skype phones are wonderful.  So anyway, he stopped by last night and met the boys and Jennifer but had to get on the road to head back to his base camp at his mom's house in the Austin area.  So when he left he said that he wanted to help out and since he was still in Australia at the point of the fund raiser he gave me a card with some money and explicit orders that it goes directly to a copay.  It was a very humbling experience.  Not only has he been a great friend, half way around the world, but in the middle of moving his young family back to the states and buying a car and finding a new place to live and on and on, he just wanted to help us.  

Now I must say that this has not been easy for us.  We have been given so many blessings and so much generosity has been bestowed upon us and sometimes you just feel overwhelmed by it all.

Having said that.  Jennifer's principal grabbed me while I was picking up Zach the other day and she gave me a head's up that she had submitted Jennifer for a radio contest.  The premise of the contest is for people to write a story about a person that inspires them and others.  This radio station, 99.5 The Wolf, then tells their story on air and gives them a shopping spree at a local mall.  Well, the email was obviously quite heart felt and amazing and Jennifer was chosen.  Just another amazing story and there are so many more.  My sister's school in New Mexico is donating money that they would have spent on Secret Santa to Jennifer's fund.  It says a lot about how much they love my sister, but it also says a lot about the type of people that they are.  Amazing!

So the rest of the story....Last night during prayer time we talked to the boys about generosity and giving and how we need to really keep our eyes open for opportunities to pass on these same gifts to other people.  You could see Zach's wheels spinning and he says, "hold on I'll be right back".  When he comes back into Ryan's room he is holding a $100 bill that he got for his birthday and he tells Jennifer that he wants her to have it.  So as we are explaining to him about how that is his gift and we want him to buy something for himself, then Ryan takes off running out of his room.  He comes back in, holding his "Deuces Lumpy" lime green Lymphoma bracelet and says "I'll wear this for you Mommy."  He hates wearing that bracelet because he doesn't want anything on his wrist but that was his way of doing something for his Mommy.  Obviously, the boys were listening to that lesson. 

So thank you to everyone that has prayed for us, given of your time and money, and helped us teach our boys a great lesson.  It IS better to give than receive.  This season is about giving something of yourself to somebody you love.  God gave us His only Son who gave His life for all of us.  In the midst of buying the newest toys and most cutting edge technologies this Christmas let's all remember that the reason we celebrate is for Jesus and the lessons that He taught us about living a life of giving and goodness.  But enjoy the new toys as well, we all need some fun in our lives.  

Chemo is finished! I never have to go back to this little cubicle again. We were happy to hear that my blood counts had rebounded well again yesterday and I was all set to start my last chemo session with no delays. It went smoothly, just another day of sitting and watching it drip (or be pushed) into my veins. I thought I'd include a picture of me without the hat... it really shows how things have changed since the first chemo. I'm feeling good this morning and I'm excited to celebrate the holidays and get back into somewhat of a normal routine after that!

After we left the hospital yesterday, we went to mom's to celebrate Ryan's birthday with the family. Michael's mom & dad celebrated with us on Thursday night so he's been lucky enough to have a drawn out birthday - he's not quite sure when he actually turned 4! When Michael & I left mom's we went to the gym (too much birthday cake lately) and had a great workout. It felt good - a great way to end that day on a high note.

What next? I'll start radiation in a couple of weeks and then have another PET scan after 20 rounds of that. My oncologist confirmed yesterday that my tumor is completely undetectable by touch, what a good thing! Radiation should take care of everything else that we can't feel or see.

Thanks again for all of your prayers & support - it means so much to the entire family!

December 12 - what a day!

We are winding down at the Allen house on this Sunday night and getting ready for another week. The boys are packed and ready for school tomorrow, Ryan is ready for his birthday on Friday... and I am ready to be finished with chemotherapy!

It's very strange to think about the fact that 4 years ago on December 12 I was (unexpectedly) about to have a baby. Little Ryan, like his brother Zach, decided to join our family about a month before his due date. They are both proof that we are not always in charge of the plans - but the result is more beautiful than anything we could dream up! This year on December 12, Ryan will be having cake with his friends at daycare and I'll be having my last chemo infusion. I know that I'll be thinking of those beautiful boys & the fact that I am so blessed that God gave me the chance to be their mom. There were definitely times in my life that I didn't think that would be a possibility for me - and they are proof that this body can do something right.

People have been asking me lately if this seems to have gone by quickly - and it definitely does. December 12 is two months to the day from the first time I noticed my tumor. I cannot believe all of the things that have taken place in those two months. If I didn't already realize that I'm not in charge of the plan that my life might take, I definitely do now. I'm going to do everything that I need to do to be a healthy person and just keep praying that I'll understand what it is that's waiting for me down the road... I guess that's all that any of us can do!

Survivor - College Station

Please excuse the weak pun above, but a friend of mine got great news today.  I grew up in a tiny little town in New Mexico, called Artesia.  My parents were both teachers and just about everybody in town knew each other.  When I was in 6th grade we got a new Supt. of schools from outside of Artesia. The family moved into town and they had two kids.  The daughter, Traci, was my age and the son, Mike, was about 4 years older than us.  The entire family was just great and I always thought that Mike was about the coolest guy ever.  He and my dad actually did the high school basketball games on the radio and I would sit with them in the booth.  I had not heard from them in over 20 years until I joined Facebook a few months ago.  We got back in touch and I was shocked to hear that Mike had cancer.  It turns out that he actually had the same form of cancer that Jennifer has, but it was Stage IV.  In his words, he had a belly full of it.  He was scheduled to go through 8 rounds of chemo and has had some rough times with side effects and the like.  He is a professor at Texas A & M and apparently has a great support system in his family, students, friends, and fellow faculty members.  Well, he just had a scan and it shows no cancer.  NONE!  He is only 6 rounds in and he shows cancer free.  He will probably do one more round but that is just to insure that they kill the microscopic cells that won't show on normal scans.  I am just so happy for him and this shows you how a strong combination of prayer and great medicine can beat cancer.  Tonight please say an extra prayer for my friend Mike but also be inspired by his story.  This guy just beat stage IV cancer!  I knew 25 years ago that he was pretty cool.

Checking in

I am enjoying my coffee this morning... the boys are still asleep and the house is quiet!  It's the perfect time for me to catch up on "me" things.  We had a wonderful Thanksgiving and I hope you all did too.  We've been slowly decorating for Christmas and I feel like it will just be time to take it all down if I don't hurry.  Zach & Ryan have been a great help, they decorated the tree - it looks pretty funny and the ornaments are concentrated on the bottom half of the tree, but that's okay!  

Overall, I'm feeling pretty good.  The jaw pain that I experienced with the last round wasn't as severe this time.  I am experiencing more nausea and learning what I should and should not try to eat for dinner, that's not a fun lesson.  It seems like it gets worse in the evening so I've learned to stick to things like cream of wheat & chicken noodle soup for the past couple of days. It's a lot like the feeling that I had when I was pregnant with Ryan - and I managed my way through that for nine months!

One last note, I had my liver enzymes checked last time I went in for chemo. and just learned that they are all well within the normal ranges.  There is one enzyme in particular that we expected to be a little high as a result of the treatment, and it has actually gone down since we started.  My platelet counts are good too (something else that's a problem for me from time to time).  I feel like I have a lot to be thankful for as those numbers are in check.  Things are good!

Thanksgiving

Well, we haven't posted recently because things have been pretty uneventful, which is just the way we like it.  We don't want to have to post too many updates because that would means things are eventful.  We like the fact that Jennifer is doing pretty well on the side effect front and the meds are working.  We do have to have a post of thanks however.  

We are so thankful for great medical facilities, doctors, nurses, lab techs., medications, and insurance coverage.  I don't want this to turn political, but if you know people that think our medical system is some how broken then invite them to actually spend some time in facilities around our country.  When Jennifer got her first infusion she was placed in a chair right next to a young couple from Canada.  She is taking her treatment in the States because of the state of Canadian medical care.  Let's just say that socialized medicine is not where you want to be if you have a loved one that needs quality medical treatment right now.  

We are very thankful for our friends and family.  We always knew that we were surrounded by people of high character.  The feeling of gratitude that we have for all of our loved ones can not be communicated.  We feel truly blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.  The raffle and party for Jennifer were two of the most obvious events that showed this, but its not just that.  Everyday we have people ask to do things for us.  They ask to take the boys for a few hours, bring dinner to the house, take the boys to and from school, etc.  I was talking to one of our friends and I was trying to thank her for what she had done.  Her response was, "please don't thank me.  We all love Jennifer so much and she is such an amazing person that we feel like this is something we need to do".  Wow!  Yes, we are thankful for our friends and family.

As always I must end with a Ryan story.  Yesterday we went around the table and asked the kids what they were thankful for.  Ryan said that he was thankful for the new bike that Santa was going to bring him.  We told him that we didn't know if that was going to happen yet, but tell us something that you are thankful for that you already have.  His response was classic Ryan.  He said, "I'm thankful that I have a broken bike".  Obviously in 3 year old logic that means he's getting a new one from Santa.  We shall see.

finished with round 2

Today went well! We met with the doctor this morning before my infusion - my white count is at 11,000 which is wonderful. It rebounded on it's own, without the help of any Neulasta ( a shot to stimulate the production of white cells). The Neulasta can cause some pretty severe bone pain so I'm happy to be able to go without it. I won't need it at all if my counts continue to rebound on their own - yay! I have my last round of chemo. on December 12 and then we will start radiation about 2 weeks after that. My doc said that he will repeat the PET scan after radiation - so probably sometime in February. The infusion itself was uneventful. I took a nap for the first hour and a half and then Michael brought me the best chicken noodle soup from the cafeteria. He had to bring some jello for dessert, as nobody gets to have lunch at the hospital without a wonderful jello dessert, right? Tonight I am home & resting...I'm already feeling a little tired & a bit nauseous. We are having a birthday party for Zach tomorrow so I'm getting ready for that (no, it's not at our house thank goodness). I'm guessing that by tomorrow night I'll be ready for lots of rest - and maybe some Tylenol. :)

Today's Lesson; The human spirit is stronger than economic fear

If you've read Jennifer's last post you know about the surprise that we got yesterday. It's an amazing story of generosity, but I would like for you to reflect on the depth of the giving. We are in the midst of the worst economic times in over half a century not to mention Christmas is right around the corner and we all know the madness of gift buying. My sister-in-law, Kim, is the queen of all fund raising. She sells Gold Canyon candles and had decided that she and her team were going to sell candles and donate the proceeds to Jennifer to help with the medical bills. I want you to understand what this means. Selling candles is her job. This is what she does for a living and she's pretty dang good at it. So she is going to use the time that she uses to run her own business and the money that she makes selling her own products and donate that to her sister. I hope you are as amazed about that as I. I didn't even mention the fact that she has 3 kids and the two boys are ginormous and need lots of food.

Then my dad got in on the fun. We have Cowboys season tickets. When I say we, I mean he and I use them. So he decided that he could donate the Thanksgiving day tickets to sell to add to the donations. If you haven't been to a Thanksgiving day Cowboy game then your life isn't quite complete. Now only has it become as traditional as turkey and a nap, but it's the last Turkey Day game ever in Texas Stadium. This is on top of the fact that my dad is a HUUUUUGE Cowboy fan so you must know the depth of love he has to give that up for his daughter-in-law. He told me that he had sold the Thanksgiving tickets and I got a little upset. I asked him who he sold them to and he couldn't give me an answer. That made me even more mad. I kept asking him who he sold our tickets to and he finally made up some lame answer and I just decided to let it go. He's not very good at keeping secrets.

So Kim now has the raffle tickets to take care of on top of the candles. She went to a local printer to have tickets made. She told them what they were for and the printer told her that she would donate not only the tickets but her cost to have another company perforate the ticket stubs. When she sent the tickets off to perforate, that company also donated their service. After hearing that, the printer decided to give the money that they were going to spend on perforation to the cause itself. Please take a minute to wrap your mind around that. The economic climate of today has put business-to-business services in more stress that you could begin to image. Companies are hoarding cash out of fear right now. That means that they are not outsourcing services like printing. So in that environment this company decided that they would donate money to a family that they don't know. That literally brings me to tears. Ultimately, all purchases are made based on value. We all want to buy products and services that we find great value. In a business-to-business service one of the most important qualities of of value is trust. I promise you that I can trust a company that not only would do this for a family but they did it with no expectation of publicity. MINUTEMAN PRESS is a nationwide franchise that I highly encourage you to visit. If you live in the area of DFW I plead with you to use the location on Debbie Lane in Mansfield for any printing service you have. These are the types of people that you want to do business with. I'm sorry that I don't know the name of the company that donated the perforating, but I'll find out and post it.

So now they had to sell the tickets. There were people calling our family members to ask to buy because they had heard about what was going on. I don't know everybody that helped or donated money but I do know that people we haven't seen in years were donating, buying candles, and buying raffle tickets. These people who are afraid of layoffs, a stock market that is anemic, and are looking at the prospect of having a limited holiday celebration but they found a way to donate money. I don't want to thank too many people by name because I'm afraid I would miss somebody, but to those of you that donated time and money to this effort we are so grateful. I truly feel overwhelmed that we have people in our lives that have that type of love in their hearts.

That's all for now, but think about Jennifer tomorrow as we go back for infusion #2. The first few days after treatment were the toughest last time, but we know that it works. It is actually impossible to find little ole' Lumpy anymore. I can't say that I miss him. Deuces~

Surprise!

I have no idea where to begin when it comes to thanking people for their generosity.  Just when I think I have seen more acts of kindness than I could ever imagine, more seem to appear.  I was completely surprised today when I received proceeds from a raffle & candle sales that totaled more than $7000.  I had absolutely no idea that any of this was being done.  I mean, absolutely  no idea at all.  I knew that my sister was an amazing person and I have seen her go out of her way to help other people before.  She has truly outdone herself in coordinating this on my behalf...  her birthday is Saturday and I'm feeling that whatever I get her just won't measure up after today.  :)

To all of you who worked so hard to put this together... thank you is simply not enough.  You have changed my life & the future financial situation of our family.  You have given a tangible example of kindness & generosity that I will make sure my boys always remember.  I want them to know that the world is full of people who are always willing to help, and I want them to someday become part of that community of people.  You are true blessings to me & my family and I am already inspired to "pay it forward"...

We are starting to receive a few bills and we have set them aside.  We were very aware that this was expensive and we were planning to set up a payment plan with Baylor that would probably still have a balance when we reached retirement!  That burden has been lifted and I am forever grateful. 

 I hope that you are smiling as you read this and know that I am thinking of each of each of you as I write this tonight.  If you know of someone who helped and does not read this blog, please pass along my thanks to them.  Yet again, I have felt God's blessings as we go through this journey - and I have seen His work in each of you.

changes

Here it is - my bald head. We actually took this picture the night that we shaved it. Yes, it took me a few days to put it out there for the world to see. I actually couldn't keep the picture of my handsome boy to myself any longer.

I've been trying to decide how I feel about having no hair. I've always had LOTS of hair, got it from my dad... the only man I've ever known who had to blow-dry his hair just to try to keep it all under control. I hadn't cut it in a long time in an effort to grow it out. It was getting long and I was really lovin' it, even though it always ended up tied back before the end of the day. As soon as I knew it wold be falling out, I went and cut about 5 inches off... maybe it was easier to see it go in phases.

I've realized that I am going to think about it as another one of those things that I don't get to have control over. So, I don't think I even get to decide whether I like it or not. It is what it is. My hair is gone and I'm experiencing something that I never would have decided to do on my own. I do laugh when I look in the mirror sometimes, especially when I catch a glimpse and I've forgotten that I'm bald. I laugh when I shampoo my head in the morning and wrap a towel around it just because that's the only way I know to end a shower. I laugh when I turn off the fans and think the house is freezing, only to have Michael remind me to put my hat back on.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not running around laughing all of the time. I still haven't gone to Target or the grocery store. No trips to any restaurants. I haven't really ventured too far from home. I used to be able to run around as if nothing was going on. Now, I look like I have cancer.

I'm gearing up for my second treatment at the end of the week. I cannot feel my tumor at all and I know that even the malignant cells that remain will be destroyed in the next month. When I look in the mirror and feel sorry for myself, I thank God that a medicine exists that can get rid of this cancer. My hair will come back but my cancer won't - I guess it's a pretty small price to pay.

Blah!

I woke up with a cold this morning... I've been feeling pretty blah all day.  After talking to my doctor's office, they decided to put me on an antibiotic just in case this cold tries to turn into something else.  I don't have a fever, but my white count is low (as expected at this point in my cycle of treatment) and I guess things can get out of hand if left untreated.  

Michael just took the boys out for pizza and a movie.  They were excited to have some time out with dad.  I'm settling in on the couch - looking for a something good on T.V. - and planning to continue to rest.  Needless to say, it's not going to be an exciting Friday night out for this girl.  

God works in mysterious ways...Michael

I don't know that I've ever communicated these thoughts with anybody other than Jennifer before so you should feel like you are now a part of the circle of trust.  I have always felt very strong in my love for God but there have been times when I just didn't know exactly what it was that made up my belief system.  For the longest time I was a true Deist.  This is the belief that God has a plan for the universe but he will not interject guidance into our lives.  Those that hold this belief feel that God's greatest gift to us is our ability to think and therefore we don't need his guidance to find our way.  This was a oft-held belief of many of the founding fathers of our nation.  I held this belief because I never saw any evidence that he had answered a prayer or changed something.  I guess I wanted to see a burning bush or a parting of the waters before I believed in miracles.  This belief system began to falter about the time our boys came along.  Zach was truly our miracle baby and I know that he and Ryan are blessings that God Himself gave to us.

I started thinking today about all of the events that have led up to where we are now and I can't help but smile about the miracles that are happening around me.  Jennifer finding Lumpy was not impossible, but quite unlikely.  This was more a case of somebody that is quite aware of her body and health and being intelligent enough to know that it wasn't right.  But then the other things just started falling into place.  Our family doc (who I love and think he is great) doesn't have much of a sense of urgency over the lump and wants to do some investigating.  Jennifer isn't happy with this so she proactively goes to our local hospital at night.  They can get her in, they do scans, and have docs there (at night) to read the scans and they both tell her to go to a surgeon at Baylor.  The next morning we call this guy who is apparently is as good as anybody, anywhere and he can get us in within 2 hours.  This guy only offices out of Baylor once a week and we can get in that fast.  He gets us in and puts a whirlwind of things in place that have Jennifer having a biopsy and then chemo within 2 weeks.  When all of this is completed, she will have gone from finding a lump in her leg to completing treatment in exactly 2 months to the day.  One of the oncologists told us that there was no way that we should be in his office that quickly.  He was astonished at the way everything just aligned.  Miracles don't have to be laying hands on the blind and then they can see.  Our miracle was God putting us exactly where we needed to be and with whom we needed to be at just the right times.  

This is a great end to this story.  In Zach's prayer tonight he asked God to help his Mom's hair grow back quickly and then said, "but we know that she loves us so much".  Then after prayers Jennifer asked who wanted donuts tomorrow.  I have a tradition that I go get donuts for the boys every Friday as a celebration for a good week.  I told them, jokingly, that I decided not to do it tomorrow so Zach said that Mom could do it instead.   Then Ryan told Jennifer that she will need to wear her wig because they won't let her in the donut store without hair.  

And then it was gone...

One of the last big unknowns that comes with my experience with chemotherapy was the hair. I never wondered IF it would come out, but wondered when & how it would come out. Last night before bed I gave it my ritualistic tug and was surprised to have a handful of hair. It didn't hurt and it didn't leave a bald spot... but it definitely wasn't normal.

I went to bed wondering what to do. I knew I didn't want to let it fall out on it's own. I've talked to too many friends who have been through it and the advice to shave it was something I was definitely going with. Tonight we talked to the boys and decided that sooner would be better than later, so we set up the barber shop in the bathroom and went to work.

Ryan took the first swipe. He didn't get much but thought it was pretty cool. Zach was our official photographer (you may get to see those someday). They were both interested in helping for about 45 seconds and then it was old news. I knew at that point that they weren't too traumatized by the whole thing, kind of a relief to have them climbing in the tub and touching things they shouldn't... just like any other stay in my bathroom for them. Michael finished up and he did a great job. I didn't even sense any revenge for the haircuts that I've tried to give him over the years. :)

Ryan's first comment was "Mom, you look pretty"... soon followed by "Mom, you look crazy". Zach was full of hugs and immediately wanted me to try on my wig. I think he's been curious about that since the first time he saw it. Michael was a great supporter, as always. He even mentioned that my head wasn't as oddly shaped as we suspected it might be. As funny as it sounds, he knew I needed to hear it. One of the big fears I had was wondering what this head would look like with nothing to cover it up! Overall, all 3 of my boys helped me realize that this was another part of the journey... no freaking out - we just did it together and it was okay. After we finished, we cleaned up & tucked the boys in just like any other night. A true example of how our "normal" has changed over the past month!

Now I'm trying on my hats & learning to tie scarves & bandanas. I'm glad that one more unknown isn't a mystery any longer. I do miss my hair and I'm not going to pretend that I'm completely okay with this new look. It will be fine and I'll figure it out... to put Ryan's thoughts together, tonight I just feel like I look pretty crazy.

Amazing Friends

I knew that I worked in a very special place that was filled with wonderful people. I knew that they were taking care of everything while I was away and I was already so touched by the emails & cards that had come home with Zach. Yesterday was a day that I will never forget... one of those days in which the support that I felt from my friends reached an entire new level.

Kim picked me up around 4:00... I knew I was going somewhere (Michael told me to shower and clean myself up- ha) but I had no idea what was about to happen. She drove me to the neighborhood near my school and as we turned a corner, I saw a house with tons of people standing in the front yard. They were holding a big yellow banner that read "So Long Lumpy" and I couldn't believe that those were all of my friends from school, standing there cheering for me! The word overwhelmed comes to mind, but I don't even think that word can explain the way that I felt. I had been worrying about school, worrying about little things... and here were my friends, letting me know that they were behind me in true Martha Reid Elementary fashion.

Each team took on a different "theme" and the gifts they gave were unbelieveable. We are all set now with gift cards for meals, entertainment for the boys & reading material for me, scarves for my bald head, money to have someone clean my house, and even gas money for our drives to Dallas. I am humbled by their generosity. They have taken care of everything.

Last night I couldn't stop thinking about how blessed I am. I feel that God put me in such a special place at this point in my life and sent these wonderful people to help me through. They were doing what they are best at... taking care of others and somehow knowing exactly how to help. Even in the midst of this obstacle, they make me feel like a very lucky girl.

Waiting.

I felt like I needed to wait to add anything after Michael's post, he's tough to follow. I also waited to add anything because there hasn't been anything to add! :) I had labwork done yesterday to check my cell counts but haven't heard anything yet. Usually no news is good news... we'll see if that holds true.  UPDATE!  All labs are normal, wonderful to hear.

I'm getting used to my new routine and I'm finding that I do need time during the day to rest. My side effects are still pretty minimal... some nausea and fatigue, but I'm learning how to manage that too. Amazingly, "lumpy" is already MUCH smaller than it was just a week ago. I can't believe how quickly the medicine destroyed that tumor. I can still feel it, but I would guess it's less than half of it's original size. Good to know it's working!

I have a long-term substitute coming into my classroom on Monday and that has been a huge load off my mind. Zach has become my courier and takes papers back & forth to school every day, I think that will be a permanent job for him. Thanks to all of you for the cards & emails that you have sent... your words are precious to me and have come just when I needed them!

One more thing. The hair is still there. I'm thinking that I have about one more week, but every day I give it a few tugs to see how it's holding on. ha

Little Things...Michael

To hold true to form, I'm going to write about certain life lessons and NOT keep it light. Remember, I'm a former coach who's sole purpose was to try to influence young boys to grow up to be young men and then left that to become a management consultant.  I am pragmatic to a fault.  

As I sit and watch the maps turn red and blue tonight I started to think about how big this day was in all of our lives.  I then thought about something that a very close friend of mine and one of the very best coaches I ever knew used to stress, if we work hard to take care of the little things then the big things will take care of themselves.  He used this as a coaching tool to teach baseball but it is so true in our lives right now.  Two years ago I decided to leave coaching and go to work in the family business.  It was completely heart breaking and at the same time so exciting.  I couldn't imagine leaving my players, but I couldn't imagine not taking the chance to work with my dad.  So I took a leap of faith and it was the greatest thing I've ever done.  Let me tell you why.  Until 3 weeks ago I got to take Ryan to daycare and pick him up everyday.  How many dads can do that?  I can go to just about every event that Zach is involved, which included coaching flag football this year.  By the way, that was a entire new level of challenge!  So, not only did I get to have a fantastic job where I can learn, teach, and experience things I never knew, but I also got to be the dad that coaching high school football sometimes doesn't allow due to time constraints.  These may seem like little things, but they mean so much to me.  Life was good.  

Then the news came along and I realized why I am in this position in life.  With all of the amazing things that my job affords the single most important reason that I have such flexibility is to take care of Jennifer.  It's one of the little things that I can take care of that leads to the big thing taking care of itself...her complete recovery.  We have been to countless appt's already.  She is going to have to take chemo 3 times and then radiation 20 times and I get to be there with her every time.  I can work from home and still take care of her.  What a great gift I was given to be able to do this for my wife.  Sometimes we take a leap of faith but we have no idea why.  I took the leap to work with my dad and my surrogate RAD uncle, Ron, which has been, is, and will continue to be a tremendous blessing.  However, in the end the greatest gift that I will receive from this is the ability to walk side-by-side with my wife on the toughest journey of her life and come out the other side stronger than ever.  How many people can do this?  How many people out there miss the Dr. app't because they have a meeting, or game, or some pressing issue?  I don't know how many of you believe that God puts us in positions for a reason, but I do and I am so grateful for where I am in my life.  

Last thought, no man has ever sat on his death bed and said he wished that he spent more time at work.  Our jobs are important for so many reasons, but nothing is more important that Faith and Family.  

I'm struggling tonight

One day at home and I'm already second-guessing the decision not to go back to school until semester.  I think it's because I feel okay... I feel like I could be doing a lot more than hanging out here.  I know the days will come when I don't feel okay and then I will understand why I made this decision. After talking with my doc on Friday, I knew this was the smart thing to do. I just need to keep reminding myself of the risks that he talked about that go along with being around such a large group of people everyday.  But, today, I miss my students.  I miss being at school with Zach.  Maybe I just miss things being the way they were 3 weeks ago.  

I am so lucky to have such great friends that I've called on tonight to make me feel better.   They have reminded me that it's okay to take care of myself.  My class will be okay, my students will still learn & grow, and things can actually still function even if I'm not there to run the show. Who knew?  

I'll end this post with some stories of my boys.  Zach is a trooper and volunteered to help fold laundry tonight - first time ever!  He also asked me if we could make our own "secret" handshake complete with a hug at the end.  He's such a sweet boy.  And Ryan... this morning he pulled on my hair and asked if that was mommy's hair that can come off - good for a giggle as always.

Prednisone is not my friend.

Everybody who knows me has heard me talk about how much I hate my prednisone, even the tiny amount that I take every day.  I'm taking about 10 times my normal dose for a few days (part of the chemo) and it has reminded of just how much I don't like it.  Two big reasons why prednisone sucks...  

1.  I'm jumpy and irritable (like I've had way to much caffeine and PMS at the same time)  ha

2. I'm awake at 3 a.m. writing this!

Other than that, I'm doing okay.  One of the weirdest side effects is that I have a really dry mouth, but I have mouth rinses that I'm using and I drink a ton of water so I guess that's a good thing for my system.  I'm a little achy, just kind of like I have the flu.  Nothing else yet!  My family is taking such wonderful care of me... after my mood yesterday I know that Michael has the patience of a saint.  Love that man!!!

This day wouldn't be complete without a picture of my little trick-or-treaters. We had Annakin Skywalker & the blue Power Ranger. It was a fun night for them!

one down... two to go

Here we are - finished with round 1 and feeling okay tonight! This picture is what all of the meds looked like hanging there, and it took about 5 hours for the entire infusion. Not too intimidating... but the giant syringe of red liquid is the med that will make my hair fall out so I'm particularly not fond of that one. Our day started with a visit to the doctor to hear the GREAT news about the PET scan. Only one tumor, only 3 months of chemo and some radiation after that. I can definitely do that! After thinking about all of the "what-if's" that go along with this diagnosis, it's good to just know what we're fighting and concentrate on that. The wondering was so difficult. We'll repeat the PET at the end of treatment and the doctor is very optimistic that it will be completely gone. After visiting the doc, we went up to the infusion waiting area. That is the strangest waiting room ever, there were probably 15 people in there waiting to be called. When our name was called we went into a small cubicle with one recliner for me and one small office chair for Michael. The nurse started my IV and off we went. She gave each medicine one at a time and explained what each one was, it was pretty interesting actually. I praise the people smarter than me who figured all of this out. We got to leave as soon as it was over... and don't have to go back (hopefully) until November 21. I'll have weekly labs to check my counts and I'll take my temperature twice a day to make sure nothing is brewing. I'm going to bed soon and will wake up to see what tomorrow brings. I have no idea how I'll feel, I'm just going to take it as it comes.

Treatment #1

I'll let Jennifer post more later, but we are in our little cubicle right now and she is receiving infusion #1.  She is napping because they have to give her a couple of meds to fight side effects and the side effects of the side effect fighters is sleepiness.  Does any of that make any sense at all?  Well I wanted to post some really good news.  The PET scan came back and it showed that she just has that one spot.  No little lumpies anywhere else.  This means that she will just have the 3 chemo treatments and then radiation and according the the doc that should "CURE" her. We were so happy to hear that news.  Oh, for those that are wondering, all of the test combined to stage her at Stage 1.  We still have a way to go, but everything is going as good as possible.  Thanks to all of you that are thinking and praying for us.  

Here we go.

Good Morning. I have been awake for a while, making sure I have everything that I need for day #1. I've realized this is a little like the night before a big vacation, except it's kind of a scary vacation and I don't know where I'm going. I'm running on not much sleep so you see how strangely my mind is working at this point. :) I've packed movies, snacks, laptop & iPods... may even take my comfy pillow. Michael is packed and ready to go too - I'm so very lucky to be able to have him with me every step of the way. Here we go, baby!

Last night I was able to speak with Dana, a friend from my hometown (Hobbs, NM) - she went through this exact chemo regimen almost one year ago. It was a very comforting conversation... Dana, if you read this THANK YOU! She made it through... it wasn't fun but the feeling of being cancer-free at the end is definitely worth it. I'm ready to be right there with her. I've been talking to other friends as well who have shared their chemo stories and given me priceless advice. It helps more than they know - they are all beautiful survivors.

We've been oriented.

Today took us back to Dallas for more appointments. First we met with my liver doctor at UT Southwestern - I've been his patient for about 10 years so he knows me well, and even he was surprised to hear of my latest diagnosis. After shaking his head a few times and then looking over my list of chemo drugs, he told us that my liver should be fine with these drugs... it might even do well with the help of these drugs. Great! One worry to mark off the list. I'll see him again in March, tumor free I hope.

After that I decided it was time to go wig shopping, or "cranial prosthesis" shopping as they call it in medical lingo in an effort to try to get your insurance to pay for it (no luck). I found a shop on the internet about 15 minutes away from the hospital so we drove that direction and were surprised to find it in a little shopping center... we weren't sure why we drove all the way for that. We laughed as we went in, still not believing we were shopping for wigs. We went in and the lady working said she thought she had the right one for me - I tried it on and loved it - well, I loved it as much as I'm going to love a wig. So now I'm the proud owner of the "codi" in creamy toffee - and from what I understand, she'll need to make her debut in about 3 weeks. I guess that little store in the shopping center was the place I was supposed to shop.

To end our day, we had chemo. class at the cancer center. It was informative - interesting to see a very diverse group of people getting together, none of whom really want to be there at all. We were all on information overload as we listened. I think we did learn a lot about the routine, possible side effects, and all of the people there for support. Plus, we got a free pen and thermometer so it wasn't all bad. We'll get to try out this new routine on Friday as we go in for round 1.

Our boys...Michael

We have had a lot of people ask us about the boys and how they are doing so I thought I would share a few stories about them.  First let me give some background information on them for those who have yet to meet them.  Zach will be 8 in November.  He is very intelligent, quite serious (most of the time), and is the biggest mama's boy since...well probably since me.  Ryan will be 4 in December.  He is our free spirit.  He is always singing, dancing, or playing his guitar.  He has a really great sense of humor and the best belly laugh you have ever heard.  

During that first week of not knowing, Jennifer and I spoke a lot about what we should tell the boys.  We decided that we would tell Zach that there was a lump in mom's leg that the doctors wanted to take out, and not much more.  Zach and I have a nightly routine where after family prayers we lay in his bed and tell each other everything we did that day.  The night that we talked about the lump he had a lot of questions.  What is it made of?  How will they take it out?  Can I be in the operating room when they take it out?  The reason was because he wanted to see what it looked like.  Remember, this was still during the time we thought it was a sarcoma and surgery would be needed.  The next day Jennifer and Zach were talking and Jennifer gave Zach a the opportunity to name the lump.  That's when "it" officially became LUMPY.  

Throughout the past two weeks we have had more and more talks and Zach now knows a lot more about what is going on.  Here is our line of thinking.  He is very smart, he hears people talking about what is going on, he has the right to know what is happening to his mother, and he is about to learn a great life lesson.  That last point is the most powerful to me.  Zach is old enough to remember when his mom had cancer.  He is going to watch his mom fight with passion, love, and grace.  If he can internalize those qualities of his mom he will be a better man for it.  So during our talks at night we have spoken a lot about what is going on, in a very age appropriate manner.  He knows that his mom has lymphoma.  He knows that his mom is going to have to have treatment that might make her feel different, look different, but she will still love all of us very much.  He has vowed to help me take care of things around the house while mom concentrates on getting better.  We'll see how long that lasts.  He is being very brave and he loves his mommy very much.

Then we have Ryan.  Last night we had prayer time in his room.  When we finished all four of us were having a family talk about mommy.  It was actually Jennifer, Zach, and I trying to tell Ryan that mommy might feel a little sick and might even lose her hair soon.  I think that he needs to be prepared so it isn't just a shock to him and then we have issues with him coping.  So we are talking to him about how things might be a little different.  So now he is just fascinated with the idea of mom not having hair.  We talked a little about Lumpy and he wanted to see it and touch it.  I then asked him what he would do when Lumpy was gone and he throws up the peace sign and says, "deuces Lumpy", and then laughed the biggest belly laugh ever.  That's our Ry!

Diffuse Large B-Cell non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma

I feel like I'm learning new things constantly.  There is an entire world out there that I had no idea about and I'm becoming a little more educated every day.  Today Michael, mom, and I met with my new radiologic oncologist, Dr. Cheek, and my medical oncologist, Dr. Molina.  

Dr. Cheek talked to us first about radiation treatment.  He also told us a little more about my diagnosis - Diffuse Large B-Cell non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  What a name.  He said that if the choice was between this and the original suspicion of sarcoma, he'd take this.  I liked him even more at that point.  He will start radiation after my chemo is finished - probably sometime in January.   He took lots of time to sit and talk with us and answered so many questions.  I'm understand that radiation will be the easier of the two parts of treatment - much easier...

After learning a lot from Dr. Cheek, we went upstairs to meet Dr. Molina.  This was the man with the plan.  Woah.  Dr. Molina first ordered a PET scan so check on a "predominant" lymph node that was found in the CT scan.  They think it's fine but need to make sure because that will change the # of chemo treatments that I need.  Then he drops another bomb, he's doing a bone marrow test today.  Now I've had three of these in my life and they hurt.  I mean, they HURT.  After that news it was hard to concentrate on what he was telling me.  I know I'll have a regimen of chemotherapy called CHOP-R.   Each letter stands for one of the meds in the mix.   It's standard for this type of lymphoma and it has a host of side-effects, but tends to be really effective.  I'll have that infusion once a month for 3 - 6 months.

 I'll start chemotherapy next Friday.  Halloween!  I hope Michael & Kim are up to taking my little Yoda & Storm Trooper trick-or-treating without me.  My dad used to hide in the back of the house on Halloween with the lights off, a bit of a Halloween scrooge.  If he were here, I'd go hide with him this time... I think we'd have a good excuse for once.  :)

Some very cool news  and something I'll be praying for:  I found out that after exposure to chemotherapy, some people with autoimmune diseases (I have 2) have no problems afterwards and don't have to continue their immunosuppressive meds. I'm not going to put any money on it, but if that happened in my case I might even believe this was a blessing in disguise.  

This evening, my hip hurts... I know I'm starting chemo next week (I even have chemo. orientation class on Tuesday - should be a blast!)...  and my nephew Brandon just called to tell me that he's shaving his head when I do whenever that time comes - how amazing is that?

Another big day tomorrow...

Oh my gosh, thank you all so much for checking up on us. Tomorrow morning brings my initial appointments with my two oncologists. We should get more answers... I have a typed list of questions to take with me so I don't forget what he says. It was invigorating to get back to school today, man those kids are something. Zach is in the class across the hall so we were able to sneak in a few winks & hugs too. Luckily when you are 7 it's still not uncool to hug your mom.

Longest week of my life...Michael

I hate that my first post on here is going to take a negative tone, but I wanted to chronicle the first few days from my point of view and then how God and my Jenny changed that.

So my wife and I are watching Sunday Night Football and she tells me, "I have a really weird bump on my thigh, do you think I'm growing  a new muscle?"  So I look at it and my initial thought was that it might be a torn muscle that hemorrhaged.  Although she didn't have any pain that made the most sense to me since she had just had a pretty good leg workout the day before.  

So the next day after going to the family doc and getting no answers we all decided that maybe a trip to the local ER was in order.  Of course I have all sorts of things going through my mind but I felt like everything would be fine, after all it always is right.  So after getting the boys in bed and waiting for her to call, or Kim to text, I finally get a call from Jennifer and she is crying. The only words I really remember her saying are "mass" and "possibly malignant".  After that point I was lost.

So the next day we call the osteo-oncologist that came recommended by the hospital staff and he can get us in 2 hours later.  So we load up and drive to Baylor Hospital in Dallas.  Our doc comes in and says lots of stuff but all I really remember him saying is, "My suspicions are that it is malignant" and he orders a biopsy for two days later.  

So now I'm freaking out.  I spend the next two days learning everything I can about sarcomas (the initial suspected culprit) and trying to find statistics.  Numbers that had been gathered by faceless men, women, and children that came before us.  I wanted to know what our "chances" were.  These are the times when I went to my darkest places.  I was scared for my wife.  I didn't want her to be sick.  I didn't want her to feel bad.  I didn't want her be scared.  And most of all, I didn't want her to not be with us.  I cried a lot and prayed a lot.

Thursday brought the day of the biopsy.  Jennifer and I went early to do all of the paperwork stuff, and our moms and Craig (Lois' rock) came later.  When the Dr. came out to talk to us all I really remember (I seem to zone out a bit don't I) is him saying, "my suspicions are true and it is malignant".  He said that his initial diagnosis would be a sarcoma but pathology would tell us for sure later.  So there we have it, I guess that was the first official diagnosis of cancer.  The next step was a bone scan and CT scan to see if it has gone anywhere else.

It's Monday now and we load up to go do the scans.  Jennifer and I drive back to Baylor and she does all of her scans while I wait and work in the waiting room.  She tried to bat her eyelashes and smile to the lab tech in a lame attempt for results but he wasn't budging.  He's a stronger man than I, I could never tell her no.  So we leave the hospital with a CD of the images and no information at all but we have an appointment on Tuesday with the surgeon to get the results.

That afternoon Jennifer got curious and wanted to see the images so she put them in our computer just to see if she could pull them up.  When she did not only did the images come up but so did the report.  She yelled at me and hung the phone up on her mom she was so excited to see it.  So now we're both reading frantically and I can honestly say I didn't understand one single word of it.  So I ask her what it said and she says she's not sure but it sounded pretty good.  

Finally Tuesday rolls around and we go see the surgeon to get the official results from somebody that actually understands them.  He walks in and says that he has good news and that the cancer had not spread anywhere else.  I can honestly say that was the very best news I had ever been given.  Then the shocker...It's not sarcoma, but lymphoma.  Wow, and with that the entire game changed.  Treatment, doctors that we will see, everything changed with the new results of the biopsy.  So now we are looking at chemo and radiation rather than surgery and radiation, but all-in-all I think that all of the information was very positive.  

Next, we drive home and this is where my entire line of thinking has changed.  My wife, my best friend, my boys mom has just been officially diagnosed with lymphoma.  What do I do for her?  How can I make her feel safe?  I have no idea what to do.  So I ask her what she wants to do after we pick the boys up from school.  Her answer was let's go to the gym.  So we go to the gym and she gets on the elliptical machine.  I warmed up in the cardio section close to her and just watched her.  She was focused, driven, and pretty hot looking if I must be honest.  I finish my warmup  and go start my lifting which is in another part of the gym.  I finish my first two lifts and go check on her.  She's got her iPod rocking and she is kicking that's elliptical machine's butt at this point.  So I go back and keep lifting.  After a couple of more lifts I go back and just peak around the corner and she is still getting after it and by now is sweating up a storm but still looks pretty dang good.  Long story short...I finish my lifting and go check on her and she says she just wants to finish up.  She ends up doing an hour total, on the day that she was diagnosed with lymphoma.  That's when I decided to stop worrying about what might happen to her.  I was looking at her as a victim, but she never did.  I'll never make the mistake to underestimate my wife again.  She is strong, beautiful, smart, determined, and "lumpy" has no idea who he just picked a fight with.  

How we met "Lumpy"...

After you reach the mature age of 36 and gain tremendous amounts of wisdom, you realize that your life is a story :). Michael and I are both there, and we know that our life story changed on October 12. I noticed a lump on my thigh that day and had a feeling that something wasn't right. After the 2nd doctor the next day said "We have no idea what that is", I knew I was probably going to be glad that they were checking it out.

I had an MRI & ultrasound on Monday night (Oct. 13). Kim waited at the E.R. with me while Michael stayed home and got the boys tucked into bed. We joked... was it an egg? was it a descended testicle? where is Dr. House when you need him? Our jokes stopped when the doc came back in with a referral to an orthopaedic oncologist. The morning of Oct. 14 - we were able to see this doctor and this time instead of hearing "I have no idea", we heard "I think this is malignant, let's do a biopsy".

Thursday morning (Oct. 16) we are at the surgery center for a needle biopsy of my thigh. I'm sedated in case the specimen wasn't enough, they would have to make an incision to take more tissue. As I'm drifting off, I'm thinking to myself... "maybe he'll find that it's just a big bruise... "and then I start realizing that I better pay attention because I don't want them to start until I'm out! I woke up only 45 minutes later and they immediately brought Mom & Michael into the room. They had to tell me that it was indeed malignant - some kind of sarcoma - we need scans to make sure it hasn't spread. I honestly admitted to myself that's really the news I was expecting.

The following Monday (Oct. 20) we're back at Baylor for a CT scan and bone scan. I drank my barium and had a radioactive injection - the staff there is so good at this process. I was in and out within 3 hours. I hate knowing that the reason they are good is that a lot of people have done this before me. I met a girl there who was being put on the list for her 3rd liver transplant. So many people in the world are struggling with things we don't even think of during our hectic days - visit a hospital on a Monday morning to see what I'm talking about...

The DAY - the big news - today is October 21 and we found out that my scans are CLEAR! No cancer other than the tumor in my leg. It's like a breath of fresh air. Then the news that confused us all, it's not a sarcoma. I have some type of large-cell lymphoma. The tumor is in the muscle of my right thigh even though this is a blood cancer. I have so very much to learn about this!

As of today, we know what to call "Lumpy" - it's a lymphoma. We know that Lumpy needs to be destroyed. We know that Lumpy is going to be destroyed by chemotherapy and radiation. I don't mind the thought of any of this, I just want to be better. My boys (all 3 of them) need me as much as I need them.