changes

Here it is - my bald head. We actually took this picture the night that we shaved it. Yes, it took me a few days to put it out there for the world to see. I actually couldn't keep the picture of my handsome boy to myself any longer.

I've been trying to decide how I feel about having no hair. I've always had LOTS of hair, got it from my dad... the only man I've ever known who had to blow-dry his hair just to try to keep it all under control. I hadn't cut it in a long time in an effort to grow it out. It was getting long and I was really lovin' it, even though it always ended up tied back before the end of the day. As soon as I knew it wold be falling out, I went and cut about 5 inches off... maybe it was easier to see it go in phases.

I've realized that I am going to think about it as another one of those things that I don't get to have control over. So, I don't think I even get to decide whether I like it or not. It is what it is. My hair is gone and I'm experiencing something that I never would have decided to do on my own. I do laugh when I look in the mirror sometimes, especially when I catch a glimpse and I've forgotten that I'm bald. I laugh when I shampoo my head in the morning and wrap a towel around it just because that's the only way I know to end a shower. I laugh when I turn off the fans and think the house is freezing, only to have Michael remind me to put my hat back on.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not running around laughing all of the time. I still haven't gone to Target or the grocery store. No trips to any restaurants. I haven't really ventured too far from home. I used to be able to run around as if nothing was going on. Now, I look like I have cancer.

I'm gearing up for my second treatment at the end of the week. I cannot feel my tumor at all and I know that even the malignant cells that remain will be destroyed in the next month. When I look in the mirror and feel sorry for myself, I thank God that a medicine exists that can get rid of this cancer. My hair will come back but my cancer won't - I guess it's a pretty small price to pay.

Blah!

I woke up with a cold this morning... I've been feeling pretty blah all day.  After talking to my doctor's office, they decided to put me on an antibiotic just in case this cold tries to turn into something else.  I don't have a fever, but my white count is low (as expected at this point in my cycle of treatment) and I guess things can get out of hand if left untreated.  

Michael just took the boys out for pizza and a movie.  They were excited to have some time out with dad.  I'm settling in on the couch - looking for a something good on T.V. - and planning to continue to rest.  Needless to say, it's not going to be an exciting Friday night out for this girl.  

God works in mysterious ways...Michael

I don't know that I've ever communicated these thoughts with anybody other than Jennifer before so you should feel like you are now a part of the circle of trust.  I have always felt very strong in my love for God but there have been times when I just didn't know exactly what it was that made up my belief system.  For the longest time I was a true Deist.  This is the belief that God has a plan for the universe but he will not interject guidance into our lives.  Those that hold this belief feel that God's greatest gift to us is our ability to think and therefore we don't need his guidance to find our way.  This was a oft-held belief of many of the founding fathers of our nation.  I held this belief because I never saw any evidence that he had answered a prayer or changed something.  I guess I wanted to see a burning bush or a parting of the waters before I believed in miracles.  This belief system began to falter about the time our boys came along.  Zach was truly our miracle baby and I know that he and Ryan are blessings that God Himself gave to us.

I started thinking today about all of the events that have led up to where we are now and I can't help but smile about the miracles that are happening around me.  Jennifer finding Lumpy was not impossible, but quite unlikely.  This was more a case of somebody that is quite aware of her body and health and being intelligent enough to know that it wasn't right.  But then the other things just started falling into place.  Our family doc (who I love and think he is great) doesn't have much of a sense of urgency over the lump and wants to do some investigating.  Jennifer isn't happy with this so she proactively goes to our local hospital at night.  They can get her in, they do scans, and have docs there (at night) to read the scans and they both tell her to go to a surgeon at Baylor.  The next morning we call this guy who is apparently is as good as anybody, anywhere and he can get us in within 2 hours.  This guy only offices out of Baylor once a week and we can get in that fast.  He gets us in and puts a whirlwind of things in place that have Jennifer having a biopsy and then chemo within 2 weeks.  When all of this is completed, she will have gone from finding a lump in her leg to completing treatment in exactly 2 months to the day.  One of the oncologists told us that there was no way that we should be in his office that quickly.  He was astonished at the way everything just aligned.  Miracles don't have to be laying hands on the blind and then they can see.  Our miracle was God putting us exactly where we needed to be and with whom we needed to be at just the right times.  

This is a great end to this story.  In Zach's prayer tonight he asked God to help his Mom's hair grow back quickly and then said, "but we know that she loves us so much".  Then after prayers Jennifer asked who wanted donuts tomorrow.  I have a tradition that I go get donuts for the boys every Friday as a celebration for a good week.  I told them, jokingly, that I decided not to do it tomorrow so Zach said that Mom could do it instead.   Then Ryan told Jennifer that she will need to wear her wig because they won't let her in the donut store without hair.